First post

I have created this blog ages ago with the intention of blogging my life my thoughts and whatever. I used to blog very often as a young woman. I am now nearing 40. Gah! I want to start the blogging habit again as i am a person of many thoughts. Sometimes so indignant or amazed that I want to record it down.

I have also created a few other blogs, for i thought it's better to separate different "interest".

Now, it struck me, why can't i simply categorised the various topics by tagging? This blog is going to be private anyway.

Apparently I am an INFJ. That could explain why i want my blog to be public yet private at the same time. It was confusing. After reading up on INFJ, the words that i could not articulate is now clearer to me, about myself. I need my social life, but it drains me so much. And i just need to be private and love it when i get silence for a few days. Then i would get upset feeling that no one care to spend time with me. Damn fucking dilemma.

Finally, the word that best described what i want is 'Freedom'. Having the freedom to choose when to have other humans around me. Freedom to do what I want with my own living space. The ideal freedom for me is not to be forced to work at a place with people i hate, because during my moments of needing to be alone, I have to go to work when it's time to work.

Regarding work, I have been working at this company since 2012. There were so many times, even until now, that i wanted to leave so badly. Sometimes, it gotten to the point when my mental & physical health were affected.

However, I really need the money and the contribution to my CPF that pays the mortgage. I know that in order to have more financial freedom, I have to store as much money away as possible. Yet, sometimes i spend, especially on eating out at restaurants & taxi. I do not spend irresponsibly. I am average in terms of spending. I haven't done any expensive vacation since 2014. Just thailand, and when in thailand, i only spend on lodging, food & a movie or two. To have more financial freedom, I need to be very very frugal. Like eating simply majoring on a vegetable & fruits. Minimal meat. Taking public transport regularly.

Mentally, I need to motivate myself to be calmer. There are lots of material to self-motivate on Pinterest site. I have a Pinterest board named "Minimalist/My wellbeing". Every time i read those, I started to think "does it matter? do they matter?" even if only for a while.

These are what i've thought of just to be able to get through with staying put at this company. I am so afraid of myself being rash and regret, and then worrying about money for basic livelihood. That's the worst and I do not want to go back to that.

Another way for mental well-being is to keep a neat, clean & functional home. My home is a mess and so dirty now. There are dust every where in the kitchen. There are boxes and bags of stuff that I want to get rid off by selling online. It bothers me so much that I think about my home condition at work! I was supposed to scrub the kitchen and bathroom today, but i corked up. After night shift and sleeping in the afternoon, and then preparing my dinner earlier, and then spending time to eat my dinner, and then packing an item for mailing to a buyer, it takes great strength to still want to clean the kitchen. It's too late anyway, my tenant is asleep. Ah no freedom. See? In fact, I'd just silenced the TV because it's late and there is a tenant who needs to sleep.

My tenant is moving out soon so there will be major adjustment at home. I will move into the master room. There are painting and cleaning to be done before i even shift in my stuff and furniture. Got to shift out the existing furniture which she was using first. Need to remember to get the aircon guys to come in Feb 1st. Hard work coming up.

Things to do tomorrow. Buy paint, mail out 2 packages (1 for customer 1 for D), buy Bee Cheng Hiang for CNY, call town council to ask about that access door in the kitchen (ants problem), buy vday present, call for aircon appt... I wonder, do i have the time or motivation to also bring my bicycle for wheel pumping? I think I have a manual hand pump somewhere in the storeroom but using the air pump kiosk is better isn't it? Do i crazily get everything that needs to be purchased tomorrow plus run all errands? The paint is heavy to carry back on my own but i worry that the shop will not open nearer to CNY. I think for motivation tomorrow, I must dress well and make up my face. Just to feel more capable and in control. Haha, but intention and reality can be very different. I can't sleep early because of my body clock. I hope i don't waste my day tomorrow. Mailing out the product to customer is impt.